The Book of Arthur

This is the tale of a man and wife, who despite the best of intentions, have a tendency to pull in the most opposite of directions. Let’s call the man Arthur and the woman Mabel.   This is the story of Arthur and Mabel and how one day Mabel found herself altogether dismayed that her inadvertent actions had … [Read more…]

Shit out of luck

I was genuinely looking forward to taking my youngest child to the doctors; honest I was. I don’t often get to do the everyday hum-drum things as I’m usually at work, or in hiding, so when the little things like this crop up, I like to do them to help out – particularly if my … [Read more…]

The unprincipled loading of the dishwasher

My wife loads the dishwasher like a drunken mental patient. One would be forgiven for thinking that she stands at the bottom of the garden and shot-puts the spoons in from there; that she drunkenly bowls the plates in overarm. After my betrothed has drop-kicked all the tea things in, the inside of my dishwasher looks … [Read more…]

Ma soapy watnot!

My 5-year old daughter won’t stop staring at my man junk when I’m in the shower and it’s PROPERLY weirding me out. She’s just so blasé about it for God’s sake! Everywhere my Rodger goes, she’s sure to promptly follow. She’s like the Mona Lisa of nob monitoring. I feel like I’ve got willy CCTV. … [Read more…]

Horror Sphinx – a bed hopping nightmare

Bed hopping is a regular occurrence in our house. We have three young children and often in the wee small hours at least one of them will decamp from their own bed into another. It’s par for the parental course. Luckily for me, on most occasions, the children are on the hunt for the warm and welcoming … [Read more…]

I hereby resolve

I’ve never really been one for making resolutions on January 1st, as I tend to resolve quite a lot during the year anyways. Often I stop drinking alcohol for extended periods of time or engage in sporadic health kicks as a result of an unexpected glimpse of my girth in a misplaced mirror. Or someone … [Read more…]

Noise

I have three young children, who are all wonderful, let me hastily start by saying that. They are wonderful, wonderful little gits.  I also have a wonderful wife, who is wonderful. Everything is wonderful. Except for one minor/major issue. They are all so goddamn NOISY. Oh my DAYS they make SO much NOISE. Non-stop noise Every waking minute … [Read more…]

Nobhead

One does not set out to be a complete nob head, one just is a complete nob head. It’s a natural state of being. The situation itself, in which one is a nob head, is largely irrelevant. The seasoned, season-card-holder of all things nobacious, can generally do his or her thang, regardless of the seemingly banal nature … [Read more…]

Bloody Matthew

After three bottles of ale mid-week, it appears I agreed to take my daughter to her dance class on Saturday morning, so that my wife could attend a thoughtlessly booked hair appointment. I think I may have been set up? A faux-double booking, to foster me leaving the house and attempting to be ‘normal’. I did contemplate … [Read more…]

Choosing him

It is no secret that I will avoid most human interaction, if at all possible. It’s not that I don’t like people per say, rather that I find human interaction somewhat bothersome, and thus would much prefer to spontaneously burst my appendix than talk. Despite Bob’s ascertains, it is not good, it’s hard.  So I tend to stay … [Read more…]