Man in his pyjamas The trials and tribulations of an honest chap just trying to do his best in life.

History

super herp kids

Being a parent is a conundrum yo. This worries me because I’m whack at conundrums.  I live my life with the Countdown theme tune bouncing around my square noggin. Panicking against the clock that I’M NOT GOING TO ABLE TO WORK IT ALL OUT IN TIME. Fighting the urge to Read more →

Darth Vader

darth vader

There I was, stood on the other side of the door, awaiting my cue. I was nervous. Apart from the few people stood behind me laughing and pointing, I was alone and hating my wife. Forced to be Darth Vader Due to my shoebox head being encased in black plastic, Read more →

Soft play

ball pool

So prepared and eager to tumble were we, that we arrived a full 30 minutes early to the party. The girl on reception was still preparing her clipboard and Bic pen, and seemed genuinely shocked that common attendees had arrived ahead of the guests of honour. Fair play to her. What Read more →

The swimming pool

pool

Sunday 19th January 2014 I awoke with a feeling of dread. I needed a wee. I drearily mused to no-one that I may as well just lie there and wee all over myself seeing as that’s what everybody else would be doing in a couple of hours. But I refrained, Read more →

Midnight

firwoeks

I do not like New Years Eve so I am going to try and have it outlawed. My  letter to those in charge will read something like this. (Please note this is just a draft) Dear God/Queen/Prime Minister It has come to my attention over the past 40 years, that Read more →

Uh-huh. The a,b,c of faking it.

ear1

My daughter is now talking. More and more everyday. New words splurge out of her little face hole, on a  daily basis. Seemingly without end. Or reason. Wifey and I are of course as proud as any good parents would be. Should be. We smile inanely at each other, wrinkling Read more →

Three times a lady

elvis

For your delight today. The three times I have proposed to a woman. Put the kettle on, pull up a chair and settle down for the freak show… An evening in 1988 I was 15 years of age, but due to good genes and the late arrival of acne looked Read more →

Living with chickens

chickens

`You can’t gift wrap a chicken so I did not have the element of surprise. I do have a magician friend and I suppose were he to have lived locally, he could probably have taught me the slight of hand necessary to produce a flapping bantam from my trousers. But alas Read more →

Man vs. Wife

judges-gavel-

I have long been derided by my wife for a particular penchant handed down to me by my step-father. Derided and feared. In the cold light of day she rolls her eyes and labels me macabre. By the pale moonlight of night, she looks nervous, will only consume food or Read more →

Postman Nat

postman nat

At the station master’s office. Sanjay: Has that letter arrived yet love? Nisa: No not yet. Sanjay: For **** sake. They said they posted it last Thursday! Nisa: I’m sure they did.  (pause) Talk to him. Sanjay: Talk to him?! I’ll run him over with my******* train the lazy ********. Read more →

There’s somebody at the door.

front door1

There was a knock at the door. I ignored it. It’s my door. S’up? There were more knocks. Knocks that refused to be ignored. There’s somebody at the door then.. I called to Wifey who seemed to have forgotten our system? Our system is pretty straightforward for heavens sake.  Let’s Read more →

I am not QI

qi

Last night I was questioned extensively by a QI man trying desperately to find a mutual interest; a patch of common ground on which we could both comfortably stand. He was unsuccessful. But he was resilient. He is one of nature’s talkers. He has a lot to say, which is Read more →

Dirty secrets unearthed

archy2

Dear men, It’s late. You are downstairs and everyone else has gone to bed. It’s dark. It’s warm. It’s cosy. You’ve have had a long day and  a few drinks. You have a remote control in your hand that links you to a cabled network of  hundreds of HDTV channels. Read more →

Chaos theory

Attic

Chaos Theory: The branch of mathematics that deals with complex systems whose behaviour is highly sensitive to slight changes in conditions, so that small alterations can give rise to strikingly great consequences *A conversation in April on a warm sunny day. A day without a hint of rain. Ironically*. Me: Hi Read more →

Domestic appliance violence.

domestic appliance violence

The other day I punched a kettle. An innocent kettle that has served me well for several years. It is a metal whistle kettle that sits squarely on the cooker top. Sits squarely that is until some a-hole comes and punches it off. If I am to be totally honest, Read more →

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