Man in his Pyjamas A collection of comedy writing, poetry and spoken word.

Hair

denis_healey (1)

Hair raising I had THE most terrifying experience this week. It has never happened to me before and I pray that it NEVER happens again. Cheese and crackers. I may need counselling. This week, whilst delicately trimming my nose hair – my nose hair trimmer exploded – UP MY NOSE. Read more →

A good husband

good husband

A good husband has good intentions. This is how it went in my head………. I would spend time during the day preparing the meal by sourcing the ingredients from Aldi (my new Mecca) and revising the recipe. I would then start cooking said meal whilst my wife bathed our grimy, mud-kitchen-stained Read more →

Breathe

cat

It transpires that despite a flea collar, being doused in flea killer and being told specifically not to get fleas, Memphis J Baptiste our long suffering cat, has got fleas. Again. Nobhead. So, Wifey and I have had to ‘bomb’ our house. Super. For those of you not familiar with ‘bombing’, essentially Read more →

Smoked chicken

chicken

A tired looking man wearing stripy pyjamas sits in his kitchen. By the light of the open-door on the microwave, he checks his watch. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. It’s Easter Sunday Praise be to…… ……God, it’s early. Our man takes a sip from a Superman mug containing 1 Read more →

History

super herp kids

Being a parent is a conundrum yo. This worries me because I’m whack at conundrums.  I live my life with the Countdown theme tune bouncing around my square noggin. Panicking against the clock that I’M NOT GOING TO ABLE TO WORK IT ALL OUT IN TIME. Fighting the urge to Read more →

Darth Vader

darth vader

There I was, stood on the other side of the door, awaiting my cue. I was nervous. Apart from the few people stood behind me laughing and pointing, I was alone and hating my wife. Forced to be Darth Vader Due to my shoebox head being encased in black plastic, Read more →

Soft play

ball pool

So prepared and eager to tumble were we, that we arrived a full 30 minutes early to the party. The girl on reception was still preparing her clipboard and Bic pen, and seemed genuinely shocked that common attendees had arrived ahead of the guests of honour. Fair play to her. What Read more →

The swimming pool

pool

Sunday 19th January 2014 I awoke with a feeling of dread. I needed a wee. I drearily mused to no-one that I may as well just lie there and wee all over myself seeing as that’s what everybody else would be doing in a couple of hours. But I refrained, Read more →

Midnight

firwoeks

I do not like New Years Eve so I am going to try and have it outlawed. My  letter to those in charge will read something like this. (Please note this is just a draft) Dear God/Queen/Prime Minister It has come to my attention over the past 40 years, that Read more →

Uh-huh. The a,b,c of faking it.

ear1

My daughter is now talking. More and more everyday. New words splurge out of her little face hole, on a  daily basis. Seemingly without end. Or reason. Wifey and I are of course as proud as any good parents would be. Should be. We smile inanely at each other, wrinkling Read more →

Three times a lady

elvis

For your delight today. The three times I have proposed to a woman. Put the kettle on, pull up a chair and settle down for the freak show… An evening in 1988 I was 15 years of age, but due to good genes and the late arrival of acne looked Read more →

Living with chickens

chickens

`You can’t gift wrap a chicken so I did not have the element of surprise. I do have a magician friend and I suppose were he to have lived locally, he could probably have taught me the slight of hand necessary to produce a flapping bantam from my trousers. But alas Read more →

Man vs. Wife

judges-gavel-

I have long been derided by my wife for a particular penchant handed down to me by my step-father. Derided and feared. In the cold light of day she rolls her eyes and labels me macabre. By the pale moonlight of night, she looks nervous, will only consume food or Read more →

Postman Nat

postman nat

At the station master’s office. Sanjay: Has that letter arrived yet love? Nisa: No not yet. Sanjay: For **** sake. They said they posted it last Thursday! Nisa: I’m sure they did.  (pause) Talk to him. Sanjay: Talk to him?! I’ll run him over with my******* train the lazy ********. Read more →

There’s somebody at the door.

front door1

There was a knock at the door. I ignored it. It’s my door. S’up? There were more knocks. Knocks that refused to be ignored. There’s somebody at the door then.. I called to Wifey who seemed to have forgotten our system? Our system is pretty straightforward for heavens sake.  Let’s Read more →

I am not QI

qi

Last night I was questioned extensively by a QI man trying desperately to find a mutual interest; a patch of common ground on which we could both comfortably stand. He was unsuccessful. But he was resilient. He is one of nature’s talkers. He has a lot to say, which is Read more →

Dirty secrets unearthed

archy2

Dear men, It’s late. You are downstairs and everyone else has gone to bed. It’s dark. It’s warm. It’s cosy. You’ve have had a long day and  a few drinks. You have a remote control in your hand that links you to a cabled network of  hundreds of HDTV channels. Read more →

Chaos theory

Attic

Chaos Theory: The branch of mathematics that deals with complex systems whose behaviour is highly sensitive to slight changes in conditions, so that small alterations can give rise to strikingly great consequences *A conversation in April on a warm sunny day. A day without a hint of rain. Ironically*. Me: Hi Read more →

Domestic appliance violence.

domestic appliance violence

The other day I punched a kettle. An innocent kettle that has served me well for several years. It is a metal whistle kettle that sits squarely on the cooker top. Sits squarely that is until some a-hole comes and punches it off. If I am to be totally honest, Read more →

To have and have not

tandem plus one

This morning whilst trying to distract myself from a special little hangover, I have been doing some thinking. Hangovers do tend to make me think, this is historical fact. They also tend to make me outrageously parpy. Whilst sitting in an eye-watering cloud of Guinness trump I have eaten three strawberry Cornettos Read more →

How to replace double glazing (ish)

Replace double glazing with this?

Now if you do actually intend to replace double glazing units, this blog is perhaps not the best place to begin your journey.  Might I suggest that you take the advice of Steven K Sanderson at www.replacedoubleglazing.com. I did. I spent the best £9.97 I have ever spent on Steven’s Read more →

A Royal Playlist (approval pending)

groucho100

As I am sure you are all aware, the 29th April 2013 brings to pass the 2nd royal wedding anniversary of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. If you didn’t know this, I shall assume you are an anarchist and need beheading. You are probably on a list somewhere, draw Read more →

Columbo

'Baby Columbo' becomes just 'baby'.

I have not really written exclusively about my daughter on this blog as of yet.  Pretty much because up to now she has done nothing of note that is worth blogging about. Second child and all that. I suppose the only interesting thing about her, as far as I am concerned, is that Read more →

Bin the bin – 24 steps for a cleaner kitchen.

Loose the bin

It is madness (I have decided) to have a 50 litre cylinder of rotting rubbish sitting in our kitchen. STUPID BIN. There I said.  No flowery lead-in today, just hard facts. I am a man on a mission. The bin stinks. It gets in my way. My foolish children drum Read more →

Herr Flick und Helga

Herr Otto Flick und Helga

After recent posts complaining about being infirm and on crutches, I felt it only decent to inform you that,  I am now without crutches. I walk unaided. I roam amongst you two footed and proud.  I’d challenge you to even notice me, if I were to walk past you in the Read more →

Too many bottoms for Daddy.

He's no Billy Elliot yet!

I am a modern man and no mistake. I believe the term is ‘metro-sexual’ or at least it was the last time I cared.  I am in touch with my inner-woman and increasingly hang my hat on the ‘To thine own self be true’ peg. Therefore, I have no issue Read more →

Half a foot

I am here to vent today. To get this off my chest. Admittedly I generally write for laughs, however in this instance you are forbidden from laughing. Understand? Laughter will not be tolerated today. If I talk about ‘half a foot’, keep a straight face. M’kay. Regular visitors will already be Read more →

A leathery forearm

A leathery forearm

This is a short cautionary tale about the importance of encouraging toddlers to  speak clearly when they talk to you.  This may not be one of your top priorities, but after reading this, it may be higher up your to-do list than you think. After a very successful transition from Read more →

Cold turkey

Tramadol come down

I think it is important to state before we begin today that I have been known to lean towards melodrama and hypochondria when it comes to matters of my health. You should know this about me before you read this post. After the recent knee surgery to repair my cartilage, I was prescribed Tramadol, Read more →

Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary

christmas tree

I can see your face in the baubles, As you untangle the lights behind me. I can hear the sound of you sighing, As you wrap tinsel around the fake tree. I can feel your intense dis-liking, As you ask me to pass you the fairy. This Christmas I fear Read more →

A horizontal Christmas.

knee

So I finally had the operation. Exploratory knee surgery resulting in a meniscus repair. After six long weeks of being in pain and on crutches, I was delighted to regain conciousness and discover that I was in the first stages of hyperthermia and would be on crutches for another six Read more →

Dads, sharks and serial-killers.

I am of the generation of fathers that recognise that playing with their son is necessary to ensure positive bonding and healthy relationships. If I play with my child now, he’ll remember it in later years and opt not to turn into a serial killer when he turns twenty.  Seems a good investment. Read more →

It wasn’t the squirrel.

I am always looking for ways to wind people up.  It is fair to say I am a wind-up merchant. However it is also fair to say that I can, and do, take as much as I give, so therefore I feel no shame about my penchant for teasing.  My Read more →

The hardest thing to do while hopping.

Due to my recent public humiliation and resulting immobility –  see here if you haven’t heard – I’ve have had much time to contemplate. Sitting for extended periods of times does funny things to your brain after a while. However, there was a time before stagnation and boredom.  A time between Read more →

Painful in so many ways

I am quite a sporty gentleman, a bit of a show-off and hate getting muddy without prior warning. These specific character traits are necessary exposition to explain how I ended up sitting by the side of a busy road, humiliated, immobilised and waiting to be rescued by my mother. You see being sporty gave Read more →

The price of youth

I am going to be forty next year and I’m looking forward to it. For me every decade brings a greater sense of self and direction. I relax a little bit more into my skin. I become more confident in my lack of confidence and more willing to listen. Ageing Read more →

Is that nice man dead yet?

Saying hello to a grey-haired gentleman that I walk past every morning seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. It was after all a beautiful morning. I had slept well, eaten a hearty breakfast and was enjoying my stroll. I had I estimate walked past the Read more →

First Class.

freeimages.co.uk buildings

Is it valuable or urgent? And if so how so? Is it essential it’s received? I.e. does it really need to go? Would the recipient notice if it went astray? Would you be happy with delivery three weeks today? Okay a month But that’s definitely the most Of course that’s Read more →

Have you got change for a punch?

As I get older I am becoming more thoughtful I think. More thoughtful of other people, their lives, the World, and as result I’m trying to act accordingly. More in accordance with my ever changing views of what it is to be a decent human being. My Twitter account will tell Read more →

5 reasons why I am in trouble today

1.  I was apparently told to watch the baby when Wifey went upstairs.  I can not confirm or deny this.  However I can confirm that I did not watch the baby and that the baby was found eating cat food in the kitchen.  I can also confirm that I am Read more →

An evening of attempted murder and mime.

I am a vegetarian and a self-styled trainee Buddhist.  I engage in regular meditation sessions and aim to lead a positive and peaceful life. Wherever possible, I wish not to cause suffering. However that said, if you get in the way of my children falling asleep I will try to Read more →

The dream, her immediate reaction, and her reaction sixteen and a half hours later.

The dream. I cannot remember the dream in it’s entirety, however the main vein was that I was dying. Not dying as in I’d been diagnosed with something nasty and was spending my time sorting my affairs and saying goodbye to my loved ones.  Dying as in, I was lying down struggling Read more →

Ninja school-boy

I walk to work because I like to walk.  I used to cycle to work because I like to cycle, however my man-berries requested politely, via a G.P’s cold hands and a very public ultrasound, that I cease cycling to work.  So I walk to work. It is also the case that Read more →

Who’d like to see Pa on the computer?

I wanted to make my mark you understand. I wanted to do something my children would remember and enjoy. I  wanted a sticker for being a ‘Good Daddy’. I have, I fear, inadvertently led my children by the hand down the path to Cyberphbobia.As it was the first time we had ever Skype’d Read more →

An unexpected letter of apology to the cat.

Two things….. Having children throws up all kinds of unexpectedness Children throw up unexpectedly, Both of these statements are a fact. I know this because (as regular readers will know) I have children. Now, in the time before I had children (the time I like to call ‘nice’) I knew that children threw-up. I knew this.  I did not Read more →

Quite honestly I’m terrified – part three

Day two…oh Lordy day two.. Where to begin?  Where indeed. After such an auspicious day one…(ahem) (If you haven’t already, read part one and  part two first,  to truly understand my pain) How do I adequately depict a day that started with a surprise alarm at 6 O’clock in the morning? (In Read more →

Quite honestly I’m terrified – part two

The first thing I need to point out, is that the title of this post is now, it would seem, defunct…..or at the very least pleasingly misleading.  I devised the appellation as an umbrella title for two or three posts, prior to the events of today (read this first) in what Read more →

Quite honestly I’m terrified – part one.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must face his fears.  A time when he must dig deep and muster the courage to stand-up and be counted. In short, there comes a time when a man must be a man.  My time is nigh. Tomorrow is my time. Tomorrow, Read more →

If a boy shouts in a forest…..

There are moments when your children embarrass you.  There are moments when your children inspire dark thoughts within you….thoughts of adoption, or at the very least of boarding school. There are moments when you wish your children weren’t  in fact your children at all, instead you wish they were someone Read more →

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure

I am a minimalist at heart. A happy minimalist. If I were to live alone, I would have ten possessions. Those ten possessions would be…..in no particular order…… TV Bed Shower Laptop Whisky glass Whisky Pyjamas Bicycle Meditation cushion Spectacles I think I could function perfectly happily with no more than the above ten carefully Read more →

How many is too many?

I am 39 years old and here is a fact of my life. In the first 38 years of my life I bought zero (0) toilet seats. However in the last year of my life, I have bought four (4) toilet seats….so far (I should clarify when I say last year, I Read more →

I don’t save lives and I’m scared of heights.

This morning I had a ‘wow’ moment. To be specific, the moment my wife walked downstairs I thought WOW.  She looked AMAZING. Now don’t get me wrong, my missus always scrubs up to an acceptable level. Better than acceptable. Even when the plan is to just knock around the house or Read more →

Dickens had kids right?

I shall admit right off the bat that I have never read A Tale of Two Cities* and to be honest, I probably never will. However my literary inadequacies aside, I am going to assume that ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…‘ was written about Read more →

The Honeymoon

  The hotel, at best, is adequate At worst, an ill-managed shack The beach is a convenient two miles away Annoyingly four on the detour back The food is repetitious and repeats on me The queue for ping-pong a meandering line Weather is crap Wish you were here We’re having Read more →

To gift or not to gift, that is the question?

Today I called upon the kind lady who baby sat my Bonsai whilst I was away on holiday. It only occurred to me as I walked home, pushing two children in the pushchair whilst balancing a tiny tree aloft, that I perhaps should have bought her a ‘thank you for looking after Read more →

Imagine (if you dare)

Imagine a week away with good friends.  Imagine a little cottage, with everything you would need for a comfortable stay.  Imagine a picturesque village, with a delightful public house next door.  Imagine the beach on your doorstep and a tank full of petrol in your new car to transport you Read more →

Home is where the husband is…

My wife and I have a fairly traditional marriage and living arrangement. Essentially, I carry on as if I am in charge, but in reality I’m not. Of course I’m not. She is. We both know this. However, irrespective of this, I carry on as if I’m in charge. I Read more →

Deep breaths and muttering

DIY lawnmower

So it goes a little something like this…. I DO NOT want to buy an electric lawn mower, as I have an ethically and morally superior hand push affair that makes me feel all holy; but  I secretly borrow (and use) a friends mower because it cuts my grass all Read more →

I live to tell the tale….

I survived – Mazeltov and Huzzah! (If this statement leaves you perplexed, read this earlier post and then return to this…for continuity you understand) After 3 (THREE) different nurses were unable to find my veins….. Them: Have you ever had problems being able to find your veins before? Me: No? Read more →

Hot innit

The sun is as high as an elephant’s eye. The sky is so, so blue. So why am I sat inside thinking of starting a blog? Is it because I am avoiding moving the lawn?  (partly) Is it because I am by nature a pasty white/blue skinned man who dare Read more →

The Entrepreneurial Mule.

Stood on the sand a fine figure he cut, Un-tethered, back leathered, preparing to strut. Characteristically nodding his head for good measure, This I could see was his business and pleasure.   Impressed was I by his jib, This descendant of Jesus’ ride to his crib, Stood patiently by, As Read more →

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