- Having children throws up all kinds of unexpectedness
- Children throw up unexpectedly,
Both of these statements are a fact. I know this because (as regular readers will know) I have children.
Now, in the time before I had children (the time I like to call ‘nice’) I knew that children threw-up. I knew this. I did not need to have children to know this, or attend any classes, read any books, or be hypnotised by a lady who would tell me that she could see my wife’s womb relaxing as a I relaxed.
(The hypnotist lady thing is another post entirely. Suffice to say my reaction was you CAN NOT see my wife’s womb relaxing and you definitely CAN NOT see ME relaxing, because in fact I am NOT relaxed, I am the COMPLETE antithesis of relaxed. In fact as we speak, or rather as YOU speak, my anus is perched on the very top of my head, PLEADING with me to bid you good-day).
(This was my internal reaction. My actual reaction was to lay there quietly, as if hypnotised).Back to the facts….
I also knew that children, as well as throwing up unexpectedly, cause unexpectedness to be thrown up. Whether it is unexpected illness, injury, behaviours, reactions, or indeed unexpected profanity they have gleaned from repeated car journeys with a potty-mouthed parent. These things are to be…well you get the picture.
What I didn’t expect as a result of having children, was to be imbued with the overwhelming desire to punch my cat in the face. I hasten to add that such an (all-be-it satisfying) occurrence, would never occur. I am a Vegetarian, a wannabe Buddhist and abhor cruelty to animals, which is why the yearning to go three rounds with my cat is unexpected.
In the ‘nice’ time, the cat was the centre of our World. He was Kitty of the Castle. We continually photographed him. We started a Cat page on Facebook (I know). We allowed him to sprawl on our knees, cover us in hair and stick his pencil sharpener in our faces. He was our baby (I know)
And then we had an actual baby……and then another actual baby. The reality now is, that due to noise/mess/pooh/constant tail grabbing, the cat stays well and truly out of the way. We never see him. He is a ghost of a cat except…… except for when the children are in bed. Then he becomes………The Massively Annoying Incredible Attention Seeking Cat.
MIAOW – feed me. MIAOW – pick me up. MIAOW – love me. MIAOW, MIAOW,********MIAOW
(repeat the above sentence over and over and OVER for at least an hour to get part way to understanding how much I covet Kitty’s downfall)
On and on and ON. Problem is, the time when the children are in bed is coincidentally the only time that there is a modicum of quiet in the house. Let’s call it Golden Time. Golden Time is the only time I can hear myself think. It is the only time I have the opportunity to sit and breathe. Golden Time is the only time that I don’t have anybody wanting something from me. This is my time.
I am sorry that the sight of your furry little face and the sound of your whiny little voice now fills me with fury. It is not your fault. When I rescued you from the Kitty Orphange and promised to love and care for you forever, it would seem I misspoke. That’s the word you use nowadays for ‘I lied’ isn’t it – misspoke? Either way, I lacked foresight. I lacked the foresight that only allowing small sticky human beings into your house can provide.
You are absolutely not to blame dear Kitty for my all consuming desire to punch you in the kitty hole. The urge will pass. Please bare with me. The children will flee the nest in 30 years or so and then you’ll be number one again. I, like you, look forward to this day, but until that moment in time, ***** OFF!