Man in his Pyjamas A collection of comedy writing, poetry and spoken word.

A Royal Playlist (approval pending)

groucho100

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

As I am sure you are all aware, the 29th April 2013 brings to pass the 2nd royal wedding anniversary of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. If you didn’t know this, I shall assume you are an anarchist and need beheading. You are probably on a list somewhere, draw the curtains and read on. This may save your life.

TBTH, neither did I.  That is until out of the blue I was contacted by Onechocolate Communications and asked whether I would like to enter a competition to win one of the new Panasonic NE Series wireless speakers. So, I had a look at the speakers speakers.

 

Panasonic NE series

Panasonic NE series

Nice. Very nice.  Okay, I may be interested.

Then I read the rest of the email and the content right tickled my fancy.  Here is the content of the email that right tickled my fancy:

We’re looking for light hearted and tongue-in-cheek suggestions for a music playlist for everyone’s favourite Royal couple, Wills and Kate, to mark their second royal wedding anniversary on the 29th April. The idea is to think about what should be on their anniversary  playlist and come up with your top five songs. 

If you have a few minutes to spare and are up for a giggle, all we ask you to do is publish the suggested playlist (five songs) on your blog then tweet the link to @PanasonicUKPR with #PanasonicNESeries by midnight on Sunday 21st April. The top three best playlists will receive a Panasonic NE Series – worth £249 each, and the competition opens on Monday 8th April.

SOLD!  This is RIGHT up my street and slap bang where I live – wordy games and trying to be funny. Thus I have spent some time thinking about this and ignoring my wife and children.  As you do.

Royal Wedding Anniversary playlist.

Here is the Man in his pyjamas playlist  These songs are intended to keep afresh in the minds of Royal Couple their strengths, their weaknesses and suggest the things they should look out for in the years ahead.  A reality-check playlist if you will. I provide for your convenience the YouTube originals, my inspiration if you will.  Plagiarism Smagiarism. Bo.

1. (I am) the one and thronely

It must be the case, IT MUST BE THE CASE that Wills belts out a toon in the Royal shower. Disturbingly, I have a very clear mental image of he donning flowery shower cap (to protect his thinning pate from the power shower) and squawking an amended version of Chesney’s Number one  into a monogrammed loofah.

Imagine if you will, Wills wiggling his tackle up against the glass of the shower cubical, whilst Kate, perched on the loo drinking a double Malibu, leafs through the latest edition of NOW and ‘whoop-whoops’ her man on. “Go Willy, go willy”.

If this isn’t happening, it should be.  William of Cambridge you are wasting your Royalness if you are not singing this song to woo up your woman. Make it so Number Two.

2. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie (Where’s The-Top-Of-Your-Bikini)

Now I am no Queen to be, nor am likely to be papped whilst ambling around the tent in our up-and-coming family camping trip to Dorset. HOWEVER, if I were, I am fairly confident that it would dawn on me not to wander around all-alfresco with my junk out. Word.

I am not in the public eye. I am not famous. Or Royal. BUT IF I WERE, IF YOU WERE, surely we would have an inkling that now-a-days seedy ‘journalists’ have camera lenses, so long and so powerful, that they can photograph your bum crack from the moon. Or is it just me?

SO Kate, when you accept Richard Branson’s offer of a free ride on his rocket to the moon (which I am sure is coming – big show off) think on. When you land, desperate for a wee after the three day journey and you quietly take one small step behind a lunar tree to relieve yourself, for heaven’s sake get Wills to protect your modesty. Get him to shield your Royal derrière from THE SUN by dangling his space-suit jacket in front of you like an astronaut toreador. Ole?

No Mooning from the moon Kate. M’kay.

3. Don’t cha (wish my sister had a butt like me?) Don’t cha (wish my brother had a hair like me?) 

This track should be a duet between Pippa and Harry, each singing their respective parts whilst the other gyrates like Mo Fo Yo. Wills and Kate need to watch these two interlopers, I am sure you would agree…..

What with Pippa stealing the nuptial lime light, bandying her buttocks up and  down the aisle for all and sundry to speculate all over in the privacy of their dirty minds. And lest we forget Harry forever running his fingers through his luscious gingery head minge every time he is on TV. I don’t think the pair could be more obvious in their attempts to destroy the Monarchy.

So here is my prediction for the future, and the reason that this song must be on the playlist, as a stark warning to the couple. Harry and Pippa are going to marry and form a rebel Royal family. There I said it. They will probably choose to marry on the very same day as Wills and Kate, in an attempt to over shadow the royal wedding anniversary. Sources close to the couple tell me that they are taking advice from Fergie and Edward, so that can only be a good thing, if Cash for Andrew or It’s a Royal Knock-Out are anything to go by. Gawd help us.

So Wills and Kate here is a whole album for your playlist. A freebie royal wedding anniversary gift from me, to remind you to keep your friends close and your family closer. As soon as your name is above the door. As soon as your bums are on the thrones, but before you have time to get crown hair  - Off with their heads 

4. In Sickness and In Health

My wife is a wonderful women.  A fantastic mother. You could not meet a less cynical person.  She is forgiving and she is patient. She’s sympathetic; she’s empathetic; she’s hydromatic – Why she’s GREASE LIGHTENING.

How-EVER, you should have seen the look on her face when Jon Snow informed her that Kate Middleton had been hospitalised with ‘extreme morning sickness’. Holy guacamole the air was royal blue. Not even the fancy medical term – hyperemesis gravidarum  could calm her down. I saw a side of my wife that I had never seen before. Bad wife 2.0  – foul mouth.  I LOVED it. The loving was good that night.

The discussion on Twitter and Facebook was equally castigating. Women everywhere were screaming at their TV’s.  Baring their stretch marks and clenching their patchwork perineums in outrage.  Extreme morning sickness. Jeez Lousise.

Kate I say with love in my heart, you need to man-up fo shizzle dizzle. My wife bore my second child on the living room floor. No gas, no air, no drugs, no water.  Just kneeling on the wooden floor, surrounded by towels and screaming the artex from the ceiling. Never mind her, I have the scars to show from it. That was some serious birthing right there. Word.

What’s next extreme labour pains? Extreme tiredness? Extreme this baby-won’t-stop-crying? Extreme nipples-about-to-fall-off-someone-get-me-a-boobie-double? This is the easy bit guys. It gets harder. Much harder. Which actually brings me neatly on to the last song on this increasingly ridiculous playlist

 5. The perfect Nanny

There has got to be a nanny yo? Got to be. I have been casting my mind back to some of my experiences and some experiences of friends. I just can not for the life of me imagine The Duke and Duchess treading the same path as the common people (that’s a freebie).  Par example:

I cannot imagine Wills or Kate being out-and-about, carrying out their royal duties and not realising that they have baby puke all down their back. Seen it, done it.

I cannot imagine William licking what he thought to be food from his forearm,  only to realise that it was actually poo and not caring because he is so tired.  So I eat poo now – whatever. Done it – NEXT.

Finally, I cannot imagine that Kate will answer the door to Mr.Parcel Force with a baby on her nipple, only to realise midway through signing for her parcel that the baby is no longer on her nipple and in fact that her dribbling nipple is now on display to Mr Parcel Force AND is in fact now dribbling on his signing machine. OH THE SHAME. Move along nothing to see. Much.

I could go on but. There will be a nanny.  A team of nannies. Lucky, lucky **********

Royal Wedding Anniversary playlist  submission.

And so, it is with my very best wishes for a happy 2nd royal wedding anniversary that I offer up this top 5 playlist for the royal seal of approval. I shall send it recorded delivery and look forward to my knighthood.

Perhaps also this musical offering will win me a set of fancy smansy speakers that will enable me to drown out the sounds of my wife shouting…

GET OFF THAT BLOG AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ******  ******

I’ll keep you informed.  Peace and Love.

©2013 Man in his pyjamas. All rights reserved.  www.maninhispyjamas.com

12 Thoughts on “A Royal Playlist (approval pending)

  1. Cindy Cindy on April 6, 2013 at 17:23 said:

    You have my vote! The fancy smansy speakers are for YOU!

  2. Thank you Cindy as ever for your support :)

  3. ha ha, love the bit about wife giving birth..... ha ha, love the bit about wife giving birth..... on April 6, 2013 at 18:43 said:

    Ha ha, love the bit about wife giving birth…..

    • True. All of it true. She knelt on the floor on all fours. I was on all fours underneath her and she was squeezing me around the middle, burying her head into my neck and screaming. I thought I was going to die. At one point I thought I could see ‘the light’, but it turned out to be the midwife shining a torch up my wife’s birth canal.

  4. Brilliant playlist!

    Pretty sure you’ll be Knighted / beheaded soon!

  5. Di Chell Di Chell on April 6, 2013 at 21:18 said:

    Hilarious as ever. I predict a best seller when these blogs are compiled in book form x

  6. dr jv dr jv on April 7, 2013 at 10:26 said:

    The husband wonders whether you have been spending more time on your blogs recently – I guess that is a back-handed compliment…….

  7. Mumsy Mumsy on April 12, 2013 at 22:07 said:

    Brilliant. You do realise that if they lock you in the Tower they won’t serve cheese scones! Lets hope you get the speakers.

    Brilliant. You do realise that if they lock you in the Tower they won’t serve you cheese scones!! Let’s hope you get the speakers.

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