Domestic appliance violence.

domestic appliance violence

Mascara should cover that up…

The other day I punched a kettle. An innocent kettle that has served me well for several years. It is a metal whistle kettle that sits squarely on the cooker top. Sits squarely that is until some a-hole comes and punches it off.

If I am to be totally honest, it probably is not best described as a ‘punch’. Punch sounds manly doesn’t it? Idiotic but manly. But then aren’t lots of ‘manly’ things idiotic? I suppose it depends on your definition of the word ‘manly’.  If ‘manly’ is to ‘man’ what ‘idiot’ is to ‘idiotic’, then I think we can all be confident that a man being manly by his own definition is roughly equal to a hedgehog shagging a hair brush. Confused but well intentioned. Stupid and horny. Sad and pathetic.

SO replace the word ‘punch’ with the words ‘hissy’ and ‘slapped’. These words are probably more accurate. The other day I hissy-slapped a kettle. I  was frustrated yo. But do you want to know what the worst part is?  It wasn’t the kettle I was frustrated with. How unfair is that?

The causes of violence against a domestic appliance?

This outburst caused me to consider my motives. Why would a reasonably intelligent fellow assert himself inappropriately with a kettle? I contemplated this via much sole searching over several cups of tea.

(Yeah that’s right, I lady-kung-fu’d it, then retrieved it from the other side of the kitchen to make some tea with it. I AM A MONSTER).

My contemplations brought me to realise the following fact. I think I know everything. Or more accurately, I think I can do anything. I speak here of DIY tasks. I don’t think I can literally do anything. I don’t think I can fight-up Mike Tyson or woo Denise Van Outen…. I reckon I could vice-versa though. Outen can only weigh 7 stone nowadays and Tyson has a twinkle.


I think, when I consider a task,  hey I can do that, how hard can it be? So I give it a go. Now THAT’S manly. Say yes Paul.

Guess what? Turns out it’s quite hard to do things that you have never done before, armed only with a misplaced confidence, a history of nobhead and the power to Google (I use ‘Google’ as a verb here).

In fairness to me though (for a change) it is not just stupidity that drives my approach, it is also the desire, nay the need to save money. So add to, hey I can do that the sentiment of, I‘m not paying some ******  to do that. And BOOM. One frustrated manly idiot at your service.

Here is a list of some of the things that I have thought I can do over the years:

  1. Fix a shower
  2. Build a patio
  3. Replace double glazing.
  4. Dismantle and rebuild a computer
  5. Mend a boiler
  6. Tile a bathroom
  7. Hang a door
  8. Mend a washing machine

Now I am pleased to report that in actual fact I could do all of the things listed above. Eventually. The key word – eventually.

The following is a list of the 12 stages of the DIY process. The ‘doing’ maninhispyjamas style.

  1. Google  – (Research of doing)
  2. Blind confidence  – (Fantasy of doing )
  3. Self-doubt  – (Reality of doing)
  4. Swearing – (Reality of doing badly)
  5. Banging/slamming/throwing (Reality of doing really badly)
  6. Down tools – (Refusal to do any more doing)
  7. Google – (re-research of doing)
  8. Breathing/stretching/beer – (preparing for the re-doing)
  9. Tentative confidence – (no-one mention the doing is going well now)
  10. Relief – (I have done the doing  finally)
  11. Embarrassment – (But  I behaved like a toddler to get the doing done)
  12. Remorsefulness  – (Apologise to all within earshot)
  13. Acceptance – (I am a nobhead but I did it).
  14. Stand back and admire  – (Manly time)

Avoid domestic appliance abuse.

And so you see, when provided with the full facts, it is not difficult to see how an honest chap could slap a kettle is it? In fact I put it to you, that were you too to find yourself in such an insufferable position ( i.e. undertaking a task that you chose to undertake all by yourself because you are a tight fisted nobhead) and it was going bum bum up, you too may be inclined to nut a kettle at 6.05 am on a Tuesday morning. Come on.  Don’t hide from yourself. You can tell me…..

So yes, building walls to make a herb garden is hard yo.  Watching a geezer bash one up on the tinterweb in a 7 minute YouTube clip apparently is not the equivalent of a GNVQ or a Diploma in bricklaying. Who knew?

You should know this, so that when you build your wall and then dismantle it in your dressing gown at 5.30 am because your kids woke you up and the mortar mix was all shades of wrong, you will take it in your stride and not engage domestic appliance violence.

p.s. – the kettle has forgiven me and I have promised I will never do it again….but that’s what all abusers say isn’t it?

©2013 Man in his pyjamas. All rights reserved.


  1. MummyNeverSleeps

    I don’t know where to start with this – bloody brilliant. Funniest post I’ve read in a LONG time.

    Good work :)

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