Postman Nat

postman nat

At the station master’s office.

Sanjay: Has that letter arrived yet love?

Nisa: No not yet.

Sanjay: For **** sake. They said they posted it last Thursday!

Nisa: I’m sure they did.  (pause) Talk to him.

Sanjay: Talk to him?! I’ll run him over with my******* train the lazy ********.

Nisa: Sanjay!

Sanjay: I’m sorry love but bloody hell. He’s supposed to be the ********postman. He spends most of his day fannying around talking to people or chasing that bloody cat. No wonder the Royal Mail’s going down the pan, if they’re all like that lazy *******.

Nisa: I’m sure he’s not that bad?

Sanjay: Love. Last week he was moving a wobbly piano and chasing that ****** runaway cow! Yesterday he was helping to bake a giant cake for a tree. What the ******? Then there’s the firework display on Saturday he’s arranging, I mean come on.  DELIVER SOME LETTERS YOU’RE THE ****** POSTMAN.

Nisa: You’re a bit sweary today SanjayShall I get you one of your tablets? Before you get a bit stabby?

Sanjay: I haven’t got any ********* tablets.  I ordered them on-line last week. They’re probably in the back of that nobhead’s van. 

At the post office.

Mrs Floggins: Nat shouldn’t you be getting off?

Nat: In a minute or two.  I’ve just got to de-flea Tess and then I promised the vicar I’d lead prayers at the church service, before I tile the church roof.

Mrs Floggins: There’s a lot of letters and parcels to deliver Nat.  A couple of Special Deliveries as well.

Nat: Just chuck ’em in the van. I’ll sort them out.

Mrs Floggins: Nat…..We’ve had some complaints.

Nat: Complaints? Complaints about what?

Mrs Floggins: You Nat. Complaints about you.

Nat: Me? I’m the most helpful postman in the world? I literally do everything for everybody. Why would anybody complain about me?

Mrs Floggins: People are cross that they are not getting their post Nat.

Nat: I delivered a letter to Ned just yesterday?

Mrs Floggins:  Ned’s one of the people that have complained actually Nat.  The letter was from 1983. It’s 30 years late.

Nat: Better late then never?

Mrs Floggins: Not really Nat. The letter was from Ned’s old girlfriend from London.  She wrote to Ned asking him to marry her. When he didn’t reply she killed herself. Ned’s beside himself.

Nat. Well one complaint isn’t that….

Mrs Floggins: It’s not one Nat, there’s been hundreds of complaints.

Nat: Hundreds? That doesn’t make sense? There aren’t hundreds of people living in Greenvale?

Mrs Floggins: Well. It seems that everyone’s complained a LOT Nat. They didn’t receive any responses to their complaints, so they just kept on complaining.  You’ve not been emptying the post boxes have you Nat? I went around them all this morning.  They’re all full to bursting. I’ve not been getting everyone’s complaints because you’ve not been delivering them to me.

Nat: Am I supposed to empty the post boxes then am I?

Mrs Floggins: Yes. Yes Nat you are.

Nat: Nobody told me?

Mrs Floggins: Well it’s on this job description that you signed Nat. That’s your signature isn’t it?

Nat: Look never mind that Mrs Floggins. So I didn’t deliver a couple of letters and I haven’t been emptying the postboxes. It’s not the end of the world is it?

Mrs Floggins: It is for some people Nat. Pc Telby was promoted to Sergeant 15 years ago and he knew nothing about it. He’s just lost his job. He’s being performing the role of a PC but receiving the salary of a Sergeant. They’re doing him for fraud Nat.

Nat: Oh.

Mrs Floggins: And poor old Reverend Simms never received his check-up reminder from the doctors either. He just been diagnosed with prostrate cancer. They’ve given him 6 weeks to live. He’s in  a hospice arranging his own funeral.  People are pretty angry Nat.

Nat: But I do loads. LOADS.  I helped Ralf  during lambing season and I raised money for the school?

Mrs Floggins: But….

Nat: I made all those fancy dress costumes for the amateur dramatic society and I returned that lost red squirrel back in to the wild.

Mrs Floggins: But…..

Nat:  I fixed that sparrow’s wing. I helped at the school disco.

Mrs Floggins: But you didn’t deliver any letters or parcels did you Nat?

Nat: I helped Major Dawbes bury the body of that woman he murdered.


Nat: LETTERS AND PARCELS ARE BORING.  I want to help people.

Mrs Floggins: But you’re the postman Nat. You help people by delivering their letters and parcels.

Nat: Ghandi didn’t deliver letters and parcels.

Mrs Floggins: I bet he would have done if he’d have been a postman.

Nat: ALRIGHT.  I’ll deliver the ***** letters.

Mrs Floggins: And the parcels.

Nat. Yes and the ******* parcels.

Mrs Floggins: And empty the post boxes.

Nat: YES! (goes to leave)

Mrs Floggins: Nat.  Nat.

Nat: WHAT?|

Mrs Floggins: Consider this a verbal warning Nat.

Nat: Fine. Come on Tess. 

Tess: Miaow

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