I should like to alert you all to a most wonderful opportunity to sponsor some single malt whiskey and make a real and genuine difference – today. This golden opportunity has recently come to my attention and is just too good to not share with you, my most esteemed and revered colleagues.
Remember you saw it here first and keep it on the Q.T. for now. M’kay?
There is no rush, but you absolutely must make a decision immediately and let me know within the hour of reading this…..
I am offering you the opportunity to sponsor a single bottle of single malt whiskey. Currently there are four bottles available for sponsorship, but the hope is to increase this number once the original four bottles have been sponsored.
Take a look at the FAQ below:
What bottles are available to sponsor?
Bottle number one is a 1/4 full bottle of The Glenrothes.
Bottle number two is a 1/2 full bottle of Laphroaig
Bottle number three is 3/4 full bottle of The Glenlivet.
Bottle number four is a full bottle of Bushmills.
How does sponsorship work?
As soon as your on-line registration fee has been received (payable by postal order) you will be sent a colour A4 photograph of your bottle of whiskey. Included will be some scant facts relating to its origins written on the back with a genuine Parker pen.
This is all bone fide, quality information taken from the back of the bottle, so you can have complete confidence in its accuracy. (Spelling accuracy however cannot be guaranteed, due to the 40% proof whiskey contents).
But that’s not all….
In addition to your one-off colour photograph, you will be sent a welcome letter from your whiskey bottle, introducing itself and thanking you personally for your sponsorship. The letter will be addressed to ‘Dear Sir or Madam’, unless you wish to include a ten pound note with your first name written on the back in black biro. In this case the letter will be personally addressed to you. You are welcome.
Each welcome letter will be signed either ‘Jock’ or ‘Paddy’ for authenticity, dependent on whether the bottle is ‘whisky’ or ‘whiskey’. If you are not sure of the relevance of this, please use Google.
And there’s more….
Along with these heartfelt welcome gifts, you will be sent a direct debit mandate, containing the full details of the different sponsorship packages available. Please skim read this, whist completing another task, as we think you’ll find it’s all much of a muchness. Honest.
Perhaps read it while driving the kids to school, mowing the lawn or engaging in vigorous love-making with the lights turned out? Just a suggestion.
What are the different packages available?
There are three packages: Whiskey Bronze, Whiskey Silver and Whiskey Gold:
The Whiskey Bronze package costs £5.99 a month and is payable 30 days after your registration payment. With the bronze package, as well as the welcome gifts listed above, you will receive:
- A monthly tweet from your bottle to keep you up to date with the volume of its contents – @Yourwhiskeybotttle
- A greetings card (sent second class post) on your birthday and any other religious holiday of your choosing. Not available to Satanists.
- Access to a webcam image of your bottle, taken some time between Mon-Fri 9.am to 9pm. Maximum of 5 minutes.
The Whiskey Silver package costs £10.99 a month and as well as the welcome gifts, you will receive:
- A weekly tweet from your bottle keeping you up to date with not only the volume of it’s contents, but also how many times that week it has been opened. This will be lots. And lots and lots.
- A greetings card and hand written note on all major holidays, your birthday and any bar mitzvah you may attend for the period of the sponsorship. Satanists actively encouraged. If a worshipper of the Deveil, please indicate whether you would like your greeting cards written in the blood of a goat, a virgin, or a virgin goat.
- Webcam access to live images of your bottle between the hours of 9am-9pm on weekdays, and 9am – 10pm on weekends. It cannot however be guaranteed that your bottle will be interacted with during this period. We apologise for any inconenience this my cause.
- When your bottle has finally been emptied of all its deliciousness, you will be sent a Certificate of Recycling. This will state the date, time and inebriation specifics of all concerned.
The Whiskey Gold package costs £19.99 a month. This is our premium package – you will receive:
- A daily tweet from your bottle keeping you up to date with the volume of its contents and how many times it has been opened each day. Included will be a brief biography of the person who opened the bottle. This will always be me.
- A video message on any special event of your choosing for the life of the sponsorship. (A maximum of one event per month). Please note that in some instances messages may not appear personalised and could possibly appear identical to previously received video messages. This is a mere coincidence and should be disregarded.
- Webcam access to live images of your bottle 24-hours a day. With this kind of unlimited Whiskey Gold access there is an extremely high likely-hood of your bottle being routinely tinkered with on numerous occasions. In addition, you may hear muted obscenities and muffled parpage, due to a late supper.
Whiskey Gold – caveats
- Photographs of the person drinking the contents of your bottle in various states of anti-sobriety and undress, particularity underpants specific. Please note that we can not be held responsible for any offence caused due to inadvertent John Thomas sightings. Please also note that under the camera lens, all lengths look significantly shorter than in actuality – this is a deal breaker. Should you question this, your sponsorhsip will be cancelled immediately.
- When your sponsored bottle is empty, you will be sent a video clip of your bottle laying-in-state in the garden recycling bin. In addition, your Certificate of Recycling will be sent Special Delivery. Furthermore, as a Whiskey Gold Patron, the postman will be asked to eulogise on your doorstep. Please note however that we can not be held responsible for the quality of the eulogy, as this solely depends on the educational specifics of your particular postman. Most postmen are ex-cons – which is absolutely true – please see here.
Why would I sponsor a bottle of single malt whiskey and not buy one?
Because you are a stand up kinda Joe. I’m waiting by the dog and bone, holding a rapidly deterioriating cube. 55 minutes and counting……
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