The Book of Arthur

This is the tale of a man and wife, who despite the best of intentions, have a tendency to pull in the most opposite of directions. Let’s call the man Arthur and the woman Mabel.  

This is the story of Arthur and Mabel and how one day Mabel found herself altogether dismayed that her inadvertent actions had caused her to engage in the most appalling of deeds. The most appalling of deeds over a significant period of time.  And how Arthur, when learning of Mabel’s misfortune revelled most ungraciously in her discontent.

And so it begins…..

Every house needs a rule maker

To avoid any confusion over day-to-day life, Arthur has been known to helpfully create ever-so endearing systems and rules; checks and balances if you will, that ensure that his, and indeed Mabel’s life run as smoothly as possible, as often as possible.  What a nice guy and how lucky Mabel is!

Mabel’s role is simply to adhere to said systems and be delighted to do so, for this is the route to a happy marriage in Arthur’s book and Arthur only reads one book.  The book of Arthur.

N.B. Arthur has been likened to a mighty ape’s arsehole by both Mabel and indeed all previous female companions over Arthur’s illustrious career of romance, but that is a tale for another day.

Now the particular check and balance in question, which relates to this story, is the Arthur on the left rule.

Around the house, where Arthur and Mabel have to ‘be’, Arthur goes to the left and Mabel to the right. For example, Arthur will sit on the left-hand side of the couch, and Mabel on the right.  Often, as Arthur and Mabel have two couches, Arthur will occupy the one on the left-hand side of the room, with his life counterpart right and proper.

Rules are made to be broken (by Arthur)

The same can be said for other household occurrences such as the kitchen table, the marital bed, the toothbrush holder and the wardrobe; but not, however, the bedroom cupboards.

The bedroom cupboards are built into Arthur and Mabel’s attic conversion and were Arthur to have taken the left-hand cupboard, he would have had to stoop on a daily basis in a manner which displeases him.  So like a true gentleman, Arthur stuffed all of his belongings into the right-hand cupboard before Mabel got home from the shops and feigned complete innocence.

N.B This is the delightful thing about Arthur, he can happily change a system when it doesn’t wholly benefit him.  It is one of his many lovable qualities. Arthur is a c*nt.

Now, the Arthur on the left rule also comes into play in the bathroom, and importantly for this tale, in the shower.

Arthur and Mabel have, thanks to Arthur, storage facilities situated in the shower to store their showering paraphernalia; one on the left (Arthur’s) and one on the right (Mabel’s). 

Were you listening, Mabel?

Arthur and Mabel have discussed this previously on several bloody occasions, however, it has recently come to light that Mabel has no recollection of this conversation; probably, she openly mused, because she zones Arthur out for fear that one day she may snap and drive a bread knife through his larynx.

This breakdown in communication between Arthur and Mabel has meant that the two have recently discovered some things out, by accident. One of these things causes Arthur to grumble and the other causes Mable to wretch in distaste. But to the former……

Arthur has been blessed with a baby soft skin, which when shaving does not require a particularly expensive razor but does require a sharp one, lest his porcelain visage be rendered blotchy, itchy and upsettingly lacerated.

Therefore, sharing a razor with another person would be OUT OF THE QUESTION, for this and many other reasons, and THIS IS WHY Arthur has an Arthur on the left rule!

Razor Gate

So for the sake of brevity, it transpires that Mabel has been using Arthur’s razor to beautify her lady pocket, both legs and lord knows what else, rendering it the equivalent of a shaving spoon.

Every day before work, poor Arthur (who showers first) has been bemoaning the quality of his razors whilst dragging a dulled and blunted metal edge across his chin and mincing himself up like a lamb chop.  Arthur has been literally Edward Scissorhanding his own philtrum every day like a right pillock.

Every time Arthur, the poor sliced up dumbass bastard gets out of the shower (covered in his own blood) and replaces his razor, putting a new one  ON THE LEFT for next time, Mabel follows him in and promptly uses it. Uses it, one can only assume by its utter unsharpness, to regrout the F***ING bathroom and carve up shampoo bottles.

The razor on the bloody RIGHT has never been used!  It’s in pristine, mint condition, circa 2009 when they first moved into the house.

Arthur cannot remember anymore what it feels like to not sting until lunchtime.

But this is only half the tale.  Arthur shall have his revenge…


Razor Gate came about due to a conversation whilst Mabel was sat watching Arthur shower; presumably for cheap thrills. Mabel is a bit of a pervert if truth be known. Anyhoo, once Razor Gate had come to light, the conversation turned to these:

The shower body scrubbers that Arthur and Mabel employ for a thorough body cleansing are also stored in a left/right arrangement for clarity and convenience, but as with the razors, Mabel had failed to remember this. This fact will haunt Mabel for some time to come.

Razor Gate would bring Arthur and Mabel to realise that they had both routinely been using the white scrubber on the left and neither had used the blue scrubber on the right.  The blue scrubber was still shop bought quality.  Lidl’s finest.

Whilst Arthur reprimanded Mabel for her left/right negligence, the significance for Mabel was not yet apparent.

Mabel fights back

Mabel countered that in actual fact ARTHUR you ARSEHOLE, the blue scrubber was bought for YOU because I thought the sensory applicator (the black nobbly bit) would be nice on your back and feet, you massive GIT!

Arthur contemplated being wrong, but the notion did not compute.

However, Arthur relented (as Arthur is often known to do)  and in a show of sportsmanship, took the blue scrubber from the right to put it through its paces.

A show for Mabel

As Mabel watched on, presumably highly aroused, Arthur scrubbed his massive 11-stone frame with the brand new, unused blue scrubber, whilst providing Mabel with a blow-by-blow account of its washing capabilities.

Arthur explained that the black nobbles did indeed feel nice on his sodden and soapy pate and that yes, the tightness of the scrub weave meant that the exfoliating was damn good all over body exfoliating.  Second to none in fact.

And then came the time for Arthur to tend to his bottom and balls.

Blue scrub review

Arthur first reported back that actually, the black, solid and nobbly base made sprucing up his gentleman’s quarters a somewhat cumbersome affair.

No matter which way he turned and contorted the blue scrub or indeed his body, he was unable to satisfactorily interact with his own bum crack.  Blue scrub would just not form into an appropriate credit card shape to enable Arthur to chip and pin his own bum hole.

N.B This is where Mabel got upset, but Arthur was too involved with the blue scrub to notice.

Secondly, Arthur explained that he was unable to stand in the bath whilst opening his legs wide enough to enable him to wedge the immovable black base of blue scrub, up and under himself, to gently cleanse his testes.

And believe me, Arthur tried.

It was like trying to clean one’s genitals with a paving slab, or so Arthur says….

Were you to have wandered into Arthur’s bathroom at that point, you would be forgiven for assuming that Arthur was trying to ride an invisible shower horse.  You would have witnessed Arthur, the poor bastard, standing buck naked on his sodden tippy toes, apparently galloping.

It gets worse

In terms of a penis wipe down, the blue scrub was a little forceful for Arthur’s tastes, if truth be known.  Arthur quipped that it was a bit like going through a willy carwash. Arthur had never purposefully exfoliated the very skin off his own mister before, and in retrospect would rather not do it again.

Arthur asked Mabel to make sure she bought a litre of Aloe Vera the next time she went to Tescos.

Poor Mabel

As Arthur tentatively dried himself in the bathroom, taking care not to disturb his freshly skinned penis, he looked up and saw what could only be described as a look of horror on Mabel’s face.   He asked his beloved what the matter was.

Mabel asked Arthur if he cleaned himself with white scrub, the way he had just done with blue scrub.  You know……in such forensic detail.  Before her very eyes. Arthur was perplexed.

Did he, Mabel clarified, tend to his man nethers with such thoroughness with the white scrub, as he did with the blue?

More so! Arthur confirmed confidently.  More so, because the white scrub reaches the places that the blue scrub just cannot reach.

And no, Arthur did NOT clean his face with white scrub because that is the scrub he uses to clean his cock and balls.  That would be a filthy endeavour. Why do you ask Mabel?

Arthur rests his case

And THIS is the reason why if a man and wife agree on a left/right arrangement, BOTH parties should take heed, or risk cleaning their beautiful faces, on a daily basis, with the other person’s undercarriage leftovers.

I told you Arthur would have his revenge.

© 2017 Man in His Pyjamas. All rights reserved.







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