Man in his Pyjamas A collection of comedy writing, poetry and Asperger Syndrome.

I know

dark_room

I can feel it as soon as I wake up on some days. It’s difficult to explain. As I open my eyes, my heart sinks. There it is. It’s been up before me. Showered and ready to go. My conciousness is its signal to start the day. It begins.

I can feel it. Inside my head. Inside my brain. I can feel it in my cheekbones, my forehead, my jaw, my eyes, my furrowed brow. It runs around my head like a fat little hamster on a wheel to nowhere. I can feel it in my heart, in the way it beats. The rhythm. My heartbeat feels different. Invaded. Taken over. I can feel it coursing through my veins.  I can hear it in my voice. Despite how much I try, I can’t quite sound like me. Or maybe this is me and the other guy is the imposter? I try to rationalise with it. To talk myself around it.  But I can’t. It’s me.  I can feel it in my soul. I can’t escape it today.

I’m not being poetic.  I can actually feel it.

I know I’m in trouble.  I know today is going to be hard. Exhausting. Every ounce of energy is expended. If there was anything I could do, to avoid these days, I would. But I can’t.  The show must go on.

You all look different today.  You all seem so much more threatening today. You scare me more today. Your voices hurt my brain and your questions panic me. Your proximity puts me on edge. I long to be alone. I Long.  I have nothing to give today, nothing to say, nothing to ask. I have nothing for you. Looking at you and listening to you makes me want to crumble.  I just want to be on my own. It’s not you, it’s me. I keep my head down and pray you won’t notice me.

But I can only take it for so long, before I come out fighting.  Its involuntary. I have no wish to fight and no wish to confront. Confrontation is self-harm. I re-live the stress for hours and days and years to come. If I hurt you, I hurt myself 50 times over, but I have no choice on days like these. I am at its mercy. The fear and anxiety manifest as anger. I try to hold on to the fear because I know that’s the right thing to do.  The anger is distraction from the fear, I know this. I guess on some level, I want to distract myself from the fear.

I can feel as I start to meltdown. I can feel the meltdown coming. Wearing pink pyjamas, wearing pink pyjamas, wearing pink pyjamas when it comes.  I have to get out. I have to go. I have to run. Trust me. You may have seen the wobble as the clock nears midnight. You may have raised your eyebrow or tutted at the social inappropriateness of me, as one of my edges frayed. But that brusque retort, that steely glare, that manner you were so affronted by, are but the aperitif to the main course.  I need to escape. I need to melt.

There are days when I doubt my autism. Days when I think, maybe, just maybe they made a mistake? Maybe I should go for a second opinion? And then I experience today, and I know.  I know. They didn’t make a mistake son.

As I sit, alone, unable to cling onto anything or anyone.  I know.

© 2015 Man in His Pyjamas. All rights reserved.  www.maninhispyjamas.com

 

14 Thoughts on “I know

  1. Adila on May 10, 2015 at 00:40 said:

    WOW!!! Felt every word. Just simply wow! xxx

  2. Stu on May 11, 2015 at 14:51 said:

    For a long time I’ve read your posts, laughing along at your misadventures as my wife lovingly points out that if she didn’t know better, she’d think I’d written it myself, because there can’t be two arseholes with this level of absurdity.

    I of course protest, but it’s undeniable.

    When you wrote your Aspie Straight Line it worried me, not for your health of course, but because again you put into words many of the internal fears I have (not that I know they’re fears of course, first instinct is to hide, it’s usually much later I realise how unreasonable my behaviour was). I started to convince myself I was suffering from the same syndrome.

    Since then, I’ve had my own diagnosis, not for Asperger’s but Fibromyalgia which covers many things including chronic pain (tick), Depression (tick) & anxiety (tick) amongst many other things (tick, tick boom).

    Doesn’t mean I don’t have some level of Asperger’s of course, but one thing at a time.

    Putting things down for all to see is actually quite brave, as well as possibly cathartic .

    Keep it up fella, not sure I could be so brave.

    • Thanks Stuart. How have you been since finding out about Fibromyalgia? Writing about the Aspie stuff is cathartic,but also terrifying. The comedy stuff was/is ( obviously ) me trying to communicate something to the World. I love writing comedy and trying to being funny. I feel attuned to it and therefore it makes sense that I use that partly as a shield when life gets tough. The serious stuff is a bid (I think) to be honest with myself and the world in the hope that I will ‘grow’?

      P.S. It seems you have been a bit brave by being so honest here?

      Thanks for reading and commenting. Means a lot.

  3. Stu on May 11, 2015 at 14:52 said:

    Sorry, I went on a bit there.

  4. Stu on May 11, 2015 at 15:10 said:

    & it was actually the ‘Wired Differently’ blog that worried me, not Aspie Straight Line.

    Think I’m done now.

  5. Stu on May 12, 2015 at 09:29 said:

    I’ve felt calmer since finding out about Fibro, obviously frustrating to know there is no cure & realistically it’s never going to get any better & more realistically going to get worse as I get older so other things start to impact on it, but actually knowing what is happening brings relief along with it.

    I’ve been in pain for quite some time now, worse sometimes than others, somewhere between straining a muscle & dislocating a joint. Sometimes excruciating & others mild, but always pain.

    Living with that for several years while they test, Xray, ultrasound different parts of your body makes you question your own sanity, I had honestly started to believe it was all in my head.

    Along with that comes depression, again sometimes worse than other. At the best of times I can function pretty much normally. at worst it was 2 months signed off work & counselling.

    It’s been a hell of a difficult period of my life, but having an answer (even one I didn’t particularly want) feels like a starting point, I can start dealing with it because there are answers where there were once only questions.

    I feel better, of course the tramadol helps :)

    I actually like this, a place to spill the beans so to speak. Glad it’s helping you too. I’ve always been better at writing than talking, talking to someone in print always seems less threatening than speaking face to face, I can understand why you fine it therapeutic.

    As for the Asperger’s, I think I will mention it to my GP at our next appointment, I’ve taken several on line tests (which of course isn’t even remotely close to a diagnosis) which always put me right on the cusp between possible & probable, but I do identify with many of the things to talk about, using sarcasm/humour to keep people at distance, being socially uncomfortable, being fine discussing you subject matter but feeling lost if it goes off topic. I’ve always been like that, would rather stay home & watch TV I don’t like than go out for the evening with people I do.

    I want to ask you something actually, when someone says ‘How are you?’ how do you answer?

    Seems a small thing I know, but I’ve noticed recently that for years my standard response is ‘Splendid’. Not because I feel splendid of course, but because it shuts off the possibility of conversation, because if I said “Fine thanks, how are you’ & they answer a conversation could break out and I may have to run away to hide in the toilet.

    On the odd occasion when I do go out with friends, I have a moment od utter panic on arrival, what if I walk in and there’s nobody there, should I talk to the barman? hide in a corner (I usually end up waiting up the road until I see a friend arrive, then I’m safe.

    I’m highly self critical both emotionally & verbally + much more. Any of that rambling bullshit sound familiar?

  6. Stu on May 14, 2015 at 12:03 said:

    Now I’m genuinely concerned that I’ve offended you.

    Sorry, was unintentional if so.

    • Mate no – I’m really sorry. Haven’t checked in for a couple of days – been a tough Apsie week. You haven’t offended me at all – sorry if my delay stressed you out.

      • Stu on May 15, 2015 at 11:01 said:

        No problem, should be me apologising. Sometimes my brains runs wild, here’s my thought process yesterday.

        He hasn’t replied yet, I wonder if he’s pissed off with people using his blog to whine about their problems, Oh my God, I said bullshit, I bet he thinks I’m calling his problems bullshit, I bet he thinks I’m going on and on about my problems while belittling his.

        He’s probably trying to find away of banning from his blog, I said splendid, I actually tried to explain why saying splendid to someone is a problem, he’s actually got Asperger’s & I’m moaning about saying splendid to people and watching TV, what a fucking nob. What’s wrong with me.

        I really am sorry.

        As you were.

        Sorry.

  7. Stu on May 15, 2015 at 11:03 said:

    ****brain***

    Singular.

    I’m not Steve Martin

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