The Russian Lady

My wife had made the appointment for me whilst I was at work.  She does lots of things for me whilst I am at work, such as making a mess of the house, changing the settings on my sound system and spending all of my money. Moving forward, she will most likely take a lover. You give an … [Read more…]

Wired differently

There comes a time when enough is enough. A time when one has to stand toe-to-toe with what’s what. A time when lifelong suspicions will no longer cut the mustard; when other people’s good natured, yet alarmingly consistent assertions, will lead you to the precipice of self-knowledge;  the next step on your journey. A journey that … [Read more…]

No time for maths

Friends that already had three children informed me that having three children was little different to having two. I say friends, they are now my sworn enemies because they are utter lying bugger-tards.  What a bunch of arse. Machiavellian. Bad Math. Don’t be swayed by them.  They lie to make your life as bad as theirs.  Ours. … [Read more…]


Today is the very first day of January. On the very last day of December (seems like just yesterday)  I vowed to my wife, with great vodka-induced solemnity, that January for me would be a WHOLE MONTH of zero booze and plentiful yoga. This is essential I feel, as on my last attempt at a forward-fold, … [Read more…]

Tin foil

The other night I wrapped my entire head in tin foil just to spite my wife; to show her who wears the trousers if you will.  That’d learn her. This backfired on me somewhat as I felt very, very sick for the rest of the evening. Bleurgh. I don’t know if I have a Bacofoil allergy … [Read more…]

Having children

Generally I write about things that have happened. A historical recount I suppose; a retelling of the pitfalls of the life that I have encountered, since the last pitfalls of the life that I have encountered. This week however I have decided to theorise more. To pontificate. Incidentally, I have had a relatively successful week. … [Read more…]


Hair raising I had THE most terrifying experience this week. It has never happened to me before and I pray that it NEVER happens again. Cheese and crackers. I may need counselling. This week, whilst delicately trimming my nose hair – my nose hair trimmer exploded – UP MY NOSE. Now this may not seem … [Read more…]

A good husband

A good husband has good intentions. This is how it went in my head………. I would spend time during the day preparing the meal by sourcing the ingredients from Aldi (my new Mecca) and revising the recipe. I would then start cooking said meal whilst my wife bathed our grimy, mud-kitchen-stained children. I would pop upstairs … [Read more…]


It transpires that despite a flea collar, being doused in flea killer and being told specifically not to get fleas, Memphis J Baptiste our long suffering cat, has got fleas. Again. Nobhead. So, Wifey and I have had to ‘bomb’ our house. Super. For those of you not familiar with ‘bombing’, essentially you depress a cannister of … [Read more…]

Smoked chicken

A tired looking man wearing stripy pyjamas sits in his kitchen. By the light of the open-door on the microwave, he checks his watch. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. It’s Easter Sunday Praise be to…… ……God, it’s early. Our man takes a sip from a Superman mug containing 1 part hot milk and 3 … [Read more…]