Being a parent is a conundrum yo. This worries me because I’m whack at conundrums.  I live my life with the Countdown theme tune bouncing around my square noggin. Panicking against the clock that I’M NOT GOING TO ABLE TO WORK IT ALL OUT IN TIME. Fighting the urge to snap my pencil, flick Nick … [Read more…]

Darth Vader

There I was, stood on the other side of the door, awaiting my cue. I was nervous. Apart from the few people stood behind me laughing and pointing, I was alone and hating my wife. Forced to be Darth Vader Due to my shoebox head being encased in black plastic, I was straining to hear … [Read more…]

Soft play

So prepared and eager to tumble were we, that we arrived a full 30 minutes early to the party. The girl on reception was still preparing her clipboard and Bic pen, and seemed genuinely shocked that common attendees had arrived ahead of the guests of honour. Fair play to her. What kind of oddballs arrive 30 … [Read more…]

The swimming pool

Sunday 19th January 2014 I awoke with a feeling of dread. I needed a wee. I drearily mused to no-one that I may as well just lie there and wee all over myself seeing as that’s what everybody else would be doing in a couple of hours. But I refrained, and arose, merely to conform … [Read more…]

Uh-huh. The a,b,c of faking it.

My daughter is now talking. More and more everyday. New words splurge out of her little face hole, on a  daily basis. Seemingly without end. Or reason. Wifey and I are of course as proud as any good parents would be. Should be. We smile inanely at each other, wrinkling our noses, as our beautiful … [Read more…]

Three times a lady

For your delight today. The three times I have proposed to a woman. Put the kettle on, pull up a chair and settle down for the freak show… An evening in 1988 I was 15 years of age, but due to good genes and the late arrival of acne looked about 10. I was living … [Read more…]

Living with chickens

`You can’t gift wrap a chicken so I did not have the element of surprise. I do have a magician friend and I suppose were he to have lived locally, he could probably have taught me the slight of hand necessary to produce a flapping bantam from my trousers. But alas he lives in Bedford and … [Read more…]

Man vs. Wife

I have long been derided by my wife for a particular penchant handed down to me by my step-father. Derided and feared. In the cold light of day she rolls her eyes and labels me macabre. By the pale moonlight of night, she looks nervous, will only consume food or drink that she has prepared … [Read more…]

Postman Nat

At the station master’s office. Sanjay: Has that letter arrived yet love? Nisa: No not yet. Sanjay: For **** sake. They said they posted it last Thursday! Nisa: I’m sure they did.  (pause) Talk to him. Sanjay: Talk to him?! I’ll run him over with my******* train the lazy ********. Nisa: Sanjay! Sanjay: I’m sorry … [Read more…]

There’s somebody at the door.

There was a knock at the door. I ignored it. It’s my door. S’up? There were more knocks. Knocks that refused to be ignored. There’s somebody at the door then.. I called to Wifey who seemed to have forgotten our system? Our system is pretty straightforward for heavens sake.  Let’s go over it one more … [Read more…]