Horror Sphinx – a bed hopping nightmare

Bed hopping is a regular occurrence in our house. We have three young children and often in the wee small hours at least one of them will decamp from their own bed into another. It’s par for the parental course. Luckily for me, on most occasions, the children are on the hunt for the warm and welcoming … [Read more…]

I hereby resolve

I’ve never really been one for making resolutions on January 1st, as I tend to resolve quite a lot during the year anyways. Often I stop drinking alcohol for extended periods of time or engage in sporadic health kicks as a result of an unexpected glimpse of my girth in a misplaced mirror. Or someone … [Read more…]

Bloody Matthew

After three bottles of ale mid-week, it appears I agreed to take my daughter to her dance class on Saturday morning, so that my wife could attend a thoughtlessly booked hair appointment. I think I may have been set up? A faux-double booking, to foster me leaving the house and attempting to be ‘normal’. I did contemplate … [Read more…]

Choosing him

It is no secret that I will avoid most human interaction, if at all possible. It’s not that I don’t like people per say, rather that I find human interaction somewhat bothersome, and thus would much prefer to spontaneously burst my appendix than talk. Despite Bob’s ascertains, it is not good, it’s hard.  So I tend to stay … [Read more…]

Hats

There are two things I like about hats.  In order, they are: 1. The way they feel 2. The way they look This is my yang. There are also, as it happens, two things I dislike about hats. In order, they are: 1. Other people 2. Other people This is my ying. The weight of a … [Read more…]

Breathe

It transpires that despite a flea collar, being doused in flea killer and being told specifically not to get fleas, Memphis J Baptiste our long suffering cat, has got fleas. Again. Nobhead. So, Wifey and I have had to ‘bomb’ our house. Super. For those of you not familiar with ‘bombing’, essentially you depress a cannister of … [Read more…]

Smoked chicken

A tired looking man wearing stripy pyjamas sits in his kitchen. By the light of the open-door on the microwave, he checks his watch. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. It’s Easter Sunday Praise be to…… ……God, it’s early. Our man takes a sip from a Superman mug containing 1 part hot milk and 3 … [Read more…]

Chaos theory

Chaos Theory: The branch of mathematics that deals with complex systems whose behaviour is highly sensitive to slight changes in conditions, so that small alterations can give rise to strikingly great consequences *A conversation in April on a warm sunny day. A day without a hint of rain. Ironically*. Me: Hi can you come around and … [Read more…]

To have and have not

This morning whilst trying to distract myself from a special little hangover, I have been doing some thinking. Hangovers do tend to make me think, this is historical fact. They also tend to make me outrageously parpy. Whilst sitting in an eye-watering cloud of Guinness trump I have eaten three strawberry Cornettos and have calculated that I … [Read more…]

Half a foot

I am here to vent today. To get this off my chest. Admittedly I generally write for laughs, however in this instance you are forbidden from laughing. Understand? Laughter will not be tolerated today. If I talk about ‘half a foot’, keep a straight face. M’kay. Regular visitors will already be aware of my current physical … [Read more…]