The unprincipled loading of the dishwasher

My wife loads the dishwasher like a drunken mental patient. One would be forgiven for thinking that she stands at the bottom of the garden and shot-puts the spoons in from there; that she drunkenly bowls the plates in overarm. After my betrothed has drop-kicked all the tea things in, the inside of my dishwasher looks … [Read more…]

Ma soapy watnot!

My 5-year old daughter won’t stop staring at my man junk when I’m in the shower and it’s PROPERLY weirding me out. She’s just so blasé about it for God’s sake! Everywhere my Rodger goes, she’s sure to promptly follow. She’s like the Mona Lisa of nob monitoring. I feel like I’ve got willy CCTV. … [Read more…]

Choosing him

It is no secret that I will avoid most human interaction, if at all possible. It’s not that I don’t like people per say, rather that I find human interaction somewhat bothersome, and thus would much prefer to spontaneously burst my appendix than talk. Despite Bob’s ascertains, it is not good, it’s hard.  So I tend to stay … [Read more…]

Hair

Hair raising I had THE most terrifying experience this week. It has never happened to me before and I pray that it NEVER happens again. Cheese and crackers. I may need counselling. This week, whilst delicately trimming my nose hair – my nose hair trimmer exploded – UP MY NOSE. Now this may not seem … [Read more…]

History

Being a parent is a conundrum yo. This worries me because I’m whack at conundrums.  I live my life with the Countdown theme tune bouncing around my square noggin. Panicking against the clock that I’M NOT GOING TO ABLE TO WORK IT ALL OUT IN TIME. Fighting the urge to snap my pencil, flick Nick … [Read more…]

Darth Vader

There I was, stood on the other side of the door, awaiting my cue. I was nervous. Apart from the few people stood behind me laughing and pointing, I was alone and hating my wife. Forced to be Darth Vader Due to my shoebox head being encased in black plastic, I was straining to hear … [Read more…]

Three times a lady

For your delight today. The three times I have proposed to a woman. Put the kettle on, pull up a chair and settle down for the freak show… An evening in 1988 I was 15 years of age, but due to good genes and the late arrival of acne looked about 10. I was living … [Read more…]

Dirty secrets unearthed

Dear men, It’s late. You are downstairs and everyone else has gone to bed. It’s dark. It’s warm. It’s cosy. You’ve have had a long day and  a few drinks. You have a remote control in your hand that links you to a cabled network of  hundreds of HDTV channels. You are bored. You flick … [Read more…]

Herr Flick und Helga

After recent posts complaining about being infirm and on crutches, I felt it only decent to inform you that,  I am now without crutches. I walk unaided. I roam amongst you two footed and proud.  I’d challenge you to even notice me, if I were to walk past you in the street. Everyman am I. Apart from … [Read more…]

Too many bottoms for Daddy.

I am a modern man and no mistake. I believe the term is ‘metro-sexual’ or at least it was the last time I cared.  I am in touch with my inner-woman and increasingly hang my hat on the ‘To thine own self be true’ peg. Therefore, I have no issue what-so-ever with my three year-old … [Read more…]