Man in his Pyjamas A collection of comedy writing, poetry and Asperger Syndrome.

Drinking, mothers and frustration

Emailed – 18.08.2014

Hello lovely people, I hope you’ve had a great weekend and fun packed week since I last invaded your inbox? I wonder where you’re reading this? Are you tucked up under something or someone, somewhere? Are you at work being all furtive and sneaky? Are you on the loo? Who knows…I’m not sure I want to know….perverts.

On Monday I had a poke around on the Drinkaware website – holy heck in a hand basket did I regret that! Turns out that if you drink what I would consider as being an acceptable amount, you are in fact a dirty binge drinker, who probably urinates in the street and bares your bottom all willy nilly at the drop of a shot.  Seriously Susan, check it out  –  I dare you! Consequently I am aiming to modify my drinking habits in a bid to NOT be all Gascoigne by this time next year. I attempted to stay within my daily limit this week, to see how do-able it was. S’hard innit.

Go on  – I DOUBLE DARE  you….                  Drink Aware

On Tuesday I attempted to make my wife divorce me through the medium of kitchen re-organisation. I DARED to strip her cupboards bare and re-arrange them without her consent. The argument that followed spanned 24 hours….You can read about that gorgeous box of frogs (if you haven’t already) on the website by following this link:

A good husband

On Wednesday I had an experience similar in complexity I expect to attempting to explain the off-side rule to a furious potato. OH MY LIFE. My dear, dear 70+ year old mother asked me, over the phone, to explain to her how to use her new phone, whilst she was talking to me ON HER NEW PHONE. Cheese and Crackers that was fun. I tried to explain that I didn’t have the same phone as her, was unable to pop back to the 90’s to buy one and therefore had NO IDEA. Regardless, we shared that crazy ride for about 40 minutes; the irritated leading the blind, before mum relented and returned to the shop that she’d bought if from for yet ANOTHER tutorial. Holy chuff – that salesperson has earned their money! I think my mum might be Phonejacker?!

On Thursday I came across the superb video on the link below. I have watched it at least 20 times and it still makes me laugh every single go.  A dad lambasting his son for being a plonker – is there anything sweeter?! Beware there is a bit of swearing in it, so if you are at work, turn your computer up REALLY loud to offend everyone in the office.

Great dad!

Over the weekend I attempted to buy some new work clothes, but the family shopping trip ended after approximately 10 minutes, in fury. I managed to try on just one ****** shirt before my children could bare it no longer and turned to Satan for something to do. We drove home in silence, apart from my daughter screaming all the way because we had neglected to take her favourite CD. I sat with fists clenched in the passenger seat contemplating my future life in prison, after I’d dismembered my family and buried them under the patio.  I think I would do well in prison….I like routine, I don’t like going out. I think, if I end up in prison, I’ll be all sweary and uncooperative so I get placed in solitary. I should like a glass cell full of books, with just a shove hole, for my dinner to be shoved through. And a chair on t’other side for visitors to sit on when they come to talk to me about serial killers…..wait.

I also pimped my man shed. I have installed it’s own personal WiFi and a curtain rail ready for the thermal blackout curtains to be delivered this week.  This all came about because I like to write (watch Netflix) in my man shed, but the glare from being all outside and watnot is frustrating. Damn sun. I shall upload a video of ‘pimp my shed’ when it’s done I think……

Anyhoo that’s me I think. Have a GREAT week and don’t forget to laugh A LOT and not give a ****. It is the only way, or so I’m told,  I wouldn’t know, I’m a completely miserable worry monster.

Peace and Love,

MIHP

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